Things to watch out for in 2016

The New Year is almost upon us and here at the Roscommon People compound I’ve been looking into a crystal ball in order to predict events in 2016.

  Conor McGregor will retire from UFC and return to Crumlin where he will live out the rest of his years as a quiet, unassuming plumber.

  Katie Taylor, tired of dominating women’s boxing, will enter men’s professional boxing and end Floyd Mayweather’s unbeaten record.

  Louis Van Gaal’s Manchester United will suddenly start playing like the young Ajax team of 1995 and pass their way to the Premier League title.

  Leicester’s Jamie Vardy will finish the season as top goalscorer and seal a move to Liverpool. He will never be heard from again.

  The Republic of Ireland will draw their way all the way to the European Championships Final where they will be narrowly defeated by a controversial French goal.

  England will be knocked out on penalties.

  In a surprising move, Dublin will refuse to play at Croke Park in a show of solidarity with their culchie cousins. The ‘durty Dubs’ will instead travel the country beating teams in their own backyards. Sam will be won in Kiltoom against a much-improved Roscommon team.

  In hurling, Davie Fitzgerald will spontaneously combust after his players are beaten by yet another referee. Kilkenny will be beaten in the final by a Galway side led by Anthony Cunningham after the Galway senior panel turn down 12 different management teams during the league campaign.

  In horseracing, Ireland will have no winners at Cheltenham but will win Eurovision with a song by Panti Bliss.