There’s a Louis-shaped void in this season’s X Factor as the Foulsome Foursome fail to impress

Having worked with Louis Walsh in the past, our columnist missed him from the X Factor panel of judges on Saturday, and, “even though his feedback was getting a bit tired”, she wants the genial Mayo man brought back!

It’s series 12; (and while every year I promise the luckiest husband alive that I won’t tune in), last Saturday, as I perched myself in front of the box, armed with a bottle of wine and a curry to watch the caustic crew, i.e. the worthless lifeforms, the most irritating bimbos, and the obsessive compulsive, mindless pieces of fluff who look like they’ve all undergone brain bypasses…call them what you will – I do –  throttle their way through the X Factor’s debut show, I have to say, I really do miss our lovely Louis.

  You see, I adore Louis; he’s a gent. I have worked with him several times in the past, and, even though his feedback to previous ‘performers’ was getting a bit tired, unimaginative and repetitive – come on, how many times can we listen to Louis telling auditionees  “you can sing, you can dance, you’re a little popstar,” or, my favourite, “you’re a van driver from Croydon,” to Ben Haenow – er, I’d say it was a safe bet he knew that; did Syco Simon have to replace our favourite judge with DJ Grim Rickshaw – or whatever his name is?

  Who the hell is he? Am I the only one who’s never heard of this ‘celebrity’ judge with the hair that looks like a toilet brush? At least our Louis has nice hair, a personality, a heart of gold and a few, (if somewhat dubious) little sayings; and he also always championed the Irish performers who now have nobody in their corner. 

  As for Rita Ora; is the enfant terrible a bit of a Billy-No-Mates?

I only ask ‘cos she did say “I want to be your friend,” to auditionee Lauren Murray; and is she lacking in sibling support, ‘cos again, she told girl band from the Philippines, The Fourth Power, “I want to be your sister.” Wow, after those declarations of desperation, I thought poor Rita would surely be seen scattering the ashes of her street cred down the Thames.

  I particularly felt sorry for pretty little Mullingar student Kellie Kiernan who looked fabulous and who did herself, her family and the Irish proud but who unfortunately fell foul of the judges when nerves got the better of her, bless her, leading the sun-tanned one to irritatingly call her “babe,” and mediocre male Grimshaw to shoulder shrug and unsympathetically tell her, “I know it’s terrifying in here but that’s kind of the deal.”

  Really Grimmy? Cut her a bit of slack; it’s a daunting task for such a young girl. Why don’t you call me if you ever hit puberty Rick because I’d hardly consider that a reputable critique from someone who probably feasts on his ego whilst worshipping his massive supply of hair products and who thinks it was ok to put ‘Techno Susan,’ the twerking 60-year-old granny from Brighton through with four yeses for her repulsive mauling of ‘No Limit’ by 2 Unlimited despite the fact she failed to hit one single note!!! Yes judges, ya really hitched your wagon to that one didn’t ya! Hold on there a minute while I get my night vision goggles and go looking for your grip on reality, ‘cos I think you’ve all seriously lost it!

  And it’s not just me; take a look at the reported massive drop of almost two million viewers if you don’t believe me! I’m no expert talent-spotter like former judge Louis, who has, by the way, managed some of Ireland’s most successful acts, but in my opinion last Saturday’s opening episode, showcasing screeching, fifth rate karaoke fodder, was probably the naffest, daftest, most mawkish ‘singing’ contest on the planet. (Oh ok, hold on, second naffest, we do have The Voice of Ireland).

  I have to say, and in the words of Louis, “the performance of the night” for me was Olly Murs’ (proof that disguising the fact you can’t sing by wearing a pair of tight-fitting trousers does work), ‘devastation’ as he whinged on co-conspirator, sorry co-presenter, Caroline Flack’s shoulder when his former ‘Small Town Blaggers,’ bandmate Jon Goodey, who looked like a nice guy, but who failed to even hold his own attention, neglected to make an impact. Seriously, readers, Olly’s lickle pinched up face was a picture, bless. Carlsberg don’t do ‘devastation,’ but if they did…

  As for Kellie from Mullingar, not to worry love, there’s always The Voice of Ireland, God love you, and at least you won’t ever have the dubious pleasure of making it through X Factor’s so-called ‘singing’ contest, because let’s face it, past winners do seem to have faded into obscurity. I’d say you had a lucky escape hon.

  As for Grim Rickshaw…well it appears his real talent so far lies in his ability to keep his silly hair upright, and for the record, pretty boy, I’ve got turnips rotting in my vegetable drawer with prettier hair; so there! Just sayin’.