But, but, but…
No buts! Definitely not three of them, especially so early into our column!
A query then?
Can I ask you a simple question?
Any question you ask me generally is simple! Go on…
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO READ YOUR LIFE STORY?
(They pause to let off steam, before resuming their conversation)
No offence, but…
This notion of yours…
It’s not a notion! It’s a carefully crafted plan! I’m writing a book on my life… an autobiography!
What’s it about?
ME! It’s an AUTOBIOGRAPHY!
I know what an autobiography is! But, with respect, are you, er, marketable? You’re not exactly an A-lister, are you?
The cheek! Whatever lister I am, you’re the same!
Fair enough, if your political career works out – if it ever gets off the ground – maybe there’s justification for a book in about ten years’ time!
(They pause to stare at the ground in silence, with ‘Zombie’ on repeat in their respective heads)
I’m not letting you talk me out of this! I’ve already written 25,000 words!
Is that on your very interesting life up to this point?
No, that’s just on my primary school years! They were… frenzied!
Look, this book isn’t just about my actual life journey, I’m also giving life lessons. There will be tips on how to succeed!
AND I have a chapter entitled ‘20 steps to a happy marriage’. My wife has passed that one! And another on parenthood, called ‘Being a father: It’s not all about football and the remote control’. And ‘My guide to gurus: why self-help books stink!’
(They pause to mournfully pick over the bones of Ireland’s World Cup exit)
It’s a wonder you don’t have a chapter on us!
The last chapter will focus on male friendship. It’s called ‘Being a Boyo: Bonding, banter and beer’…
It will be!
All joking aside, I wish you well with this venture…
And I guess you ARE a local celebrity!
Another query: Is it for charity? The proceeds?
Ahem, not quite…
Well, good luck anyway! I hope you can come up with sufficient content!
Oh I will! Half the book will be made up of some of our words of wisdom, as previously published in the Roscommon People!
HOLD ON! That’s half MY work! MY copyright too! The proceeds! They must be shared!
I have to go…