Paul Healy’s Week


Prison preview…

Imagine being a cellmate of Donald Trump’s?

The former US President and Republican candidate for the 2024 election was convicted in New York today, deemed be guilty on all 34 charges of falsifying business records. Sentencing of Trump, the first US President to be convicted of a crime, will take place on July 11th, and while he is not expected to receive a prison sentence, imagine if he does


Day One (of cell sharing): ‘Hi ya doin’… name’s Donald, Donald J Trump, but you can call me Mr President! I dunno what you’re in for, but my trial was very, very corrupt! It was the biggest corrupt trial in history! Anyways, you and I are going to be cellmates, and it’s going to be great! Here’s how it’s going to work. I need you to pretend to be Joe Biden, and I’m gonna rehearse my debates with you all day long! It’s gonna be great! And instead of going to the exercise yard, you and I are going to watch re-runs of The Apprentice in the TV room! Hey, here’s a prison officer… can you tell him he’ll be changing our menu to burgers and coke…’

Cellmate (pleading): ‘Hey, officer! Can I have solitary confinement? Now! Please!’



Er, shock news…

In shock (but unconfirmed) news just in, no RTE ‘star’ has, at time of writing, announced today that they are moving from the station, having a baby, or merely switching to another programme. The mood in the RTE social media department is said to be one of “utter devastation”. Normally by lunchtime on a given day, some RTE ‘personality’ or a C-list celebrity somewhere would have made a ‘major’ announcement as to the latest riveting milestone in their life and times.

An ashen-faced reporter in the RTE newsroom confided: “We’re in total shock. Obviously we expect three or four high profile stories about RTE DJs/presenters every day, but there isn’t even a hint of a ‘stepping down’ or a ‘moving on’ or even a ‘hissy fit’ yet today. It’s really weird”.

The young reporter, clutching a life-sized cut-out of the 2 Johnnies, and wearing a ‘Zamparelli for President’ t-shirt, said he only joined the newsroom so he could report on internal ‘musical chairs’ at the station, that and the odd spat between influencers promoting topics like ‘Banana bread or carrot cake. Which is easiest to make?’.

Clearly perturbed, he added: “I’ve resorted to checking if any podcasters or influencers have had a baby or started a new relationship.

“I know one of the security guys here has started his own podcast, so we can lead with that on the website if all goes to all. But it’s a worrying time. We might have to focus more on reporting on conflict around the world until normal service resumes”.



Carlo’s bumps…

Watching the Real Madrid players giving their manager, Carlo Ancelotti, the bumps (in front of millions of TV viewers) tonight, I thought: ‘Oh please, put the old man down, gently’.

The celebrations at Wembley were off the scale, and understandably so. Real Madrid had just become champions of Europe for a record 15th time, while it was the now legendary Ancelotti’s fifth Champions League title win as a manager.

My heart was in my mouth as I watched the Real Madrid superstars springing the ‘old man’ high into the air – his fate at the mercy of young multimillionaires (who can be unreliable at times; I feared they might start checking their phones, mid-bumps).

As it was, the dashing Italian kept rising and falling quite balletically, the cameras capturing it all from above, Ancelotti even fist-pumping every now and again before descending back into the embrace of the Real Madrid players.

Put the old man down, I was still murmuring, our dog (aged 9) nodding in agreement. Seeking confirmation of the validity of my concern, I went online to check the age of ‘the old man’. Having assumed that he was well into his 70s, I was really taken aback to read that Carlo Ancelotti is actually only 64.

For me, it was just another example of the ‘tricks’ our minds play with us as we get older. Particularly relevant in this instance is our tendency to place people who aren’t actually that much older than ourselves, in a different category in our minds. An older category. It suits us to not to admit that we are knocking at the door of their ‘club’.

As I watched the unflappable (and hopefully undroppable) Ancelotti soar in safety, it dawned (rather abruptly) that the ‘old man’ I had been concerned about is actually only a few years older than I am.

In conclusion, our views on age get a bit distorted as we age; also, Carlo Ancelotti and I have in common the fact that we are not actually old men.

However, he does have five more Champions League titles than me.



The morning after…

Where now Roscommon’s prospects in the All-Ireland SFC series, after yesterday’s defeat to Mayo?

Taken in isolation, it was a decent performance by Roscommon. They were competitive throughout (as they should be), finished within two points of Mayo, and certainly staged a grandstand finish.

However, it was a third defeat to Mayo in the same season – that’s hard to take – and an eighth loss in ten competitive games this year (leaving out the FBD competition).

Roscommon have been lacklustre in 2024. At least deflated supporters can cling to the fact that the performances are getting better! Onwards and upwards, with Roscommon facing Cavan in a potential season-defining game on June 15th.



Elections loom

And so begins the last week of election campaigning, with the country going to the polls on Friday. The ballot paper can be a lonely location, certainly an exposed one. We wish all candidates the very best of luck on Friday.



Barry & Clare

Smooth Barry Andrews couldn’t wait to deliver the line to an unsuspecting world… once tonight’s Prime Time European Election debate (Dublin constituency) switched to the subject of Defence.

Looking directly at rival MEP Clare Daly, and for all the world trying to give the impression that he had thought up the line on the spot, Barry triumphantly intoned: “Your problem is you don’t listen to the people of Dublin. You should think more about Crumlin than the Kremlin…”

Clare’s response? Well, if looks could kill…