May divorce be with you, Cheryl

She may have the IQ of a breeze block and a backside covered in expensive tattoos – and she may be known as the lout who allegedly screamed abuse at a toilet attendant before punching her in the face leaving severe bruising, leading to her being described in a piece in The Daily Mail at the time as ‘completely paralytic’ and needing to be restrained by security staff. But now, the chart-topper, who has metamorphosed from the snaggle-toothed Cheryl Tweedy, to wretched WAG extraordinaire Mrs. Cole, to hastily hitched, finally meeting her Waterloo, Madame Fernandez-Versini, is now best known for her tempestuous love life.

  Regarding those assault allegations – and I have to point out, Chezza disputes them – however a court did find her guilty of assault occasioning actual bodily harm to her victim, Sophie Amogbokpa. And ya know, back in the day, when I interviewed Britain’s leading light and casually asked how she’d completed her 120 hours of unpaid community service as laid down by the judge…as ya do…the national treasure’s response was to freeze me with an icy stare and storm off in a huff, leaving embarrassed bandmates Kimberley Walsh and Nicola Roberts to make excuses for her. Classy or wha’?

  Fast-forward to today and Prima donna Cheryl is still making headlines for all the wrong reasons; (sigh), i.e., her official status as a divorcee, (again), meaning she’s free to marry her toy boy lover and probable future ex-husband, former One Directioner Liam Payne. Sure to be honest, how that marriage to Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini could have lasted is anyone’s guess; I mean, he spoke French, she spoke English, well Geordie, so it’s no wonder last week’s court papers listed the relationship as having ‘broken down irretrievably’; the pair of them couldn’t even understand the venom they probably hurled at each other!

  However, the woman with the bouffant hair who either loves wedding cake or likes collecting mothers-in-law, or perhaps it’s just a case of the poor pet continuously seeking marital satisfaction; (because she’s worth it), who knows, is now rumoured to be preparing to add Payne to her growing list of monikers. Apparently, well according to, baby-faced Liamo is contemplating asking for Chezza’s hand in marriage. How sweet. Well readers, if the ‘pregnancy’ gossip and hearsay is anything to go by, it appears the lad’s already had more than the singer’s hand…if ya get my drift.

  To be honest, I don’t get the whole fascination with doe-eyed Cheryl; I mean okay, she’s got a few cute dimples, and oh, yeah, she can manage to whinge and whine at the drop of a hat; then again, so can my enchanting little Jack Russell whom by the way, before we rescued her from a life of cruelty, does have an infinitely more tragic back story than the aul flannel coming from the, ‘really tiny, box-like council house that must have been really cramped with seven of us;’ that little poppet Chezza’s peddled in her autobiography when referring to her upbringing on a council estate. And of course there’s nothing wrong with growing up on a council estate…I did. Well Corporation estate was what we called it in the People’s Republic of Coolock in Dublin, where you’ll find wonderful, community spirited, salt-of-the-earth people, but I digress.

  Look folks, as far as I’m concerned the good people of Roscommon can rest easy knowing that Ms. Cheryl-Simon Cowell-likes-me-Tweedy/Cole/Fernandez-Versini, whom, despite having allegedly lived through some powerfully aggressive marital strife with ex Jean-Bernard, has still managed to cling onto every penny of her reported £22 million fortune, leading me to opine that she’s not just a mediocre singer with a nasty assault conviction, and an ever-changing face, puffy hair, and a penchant for engaging in marriage as a pastime – rather she’s also one very astute financial cookie. I hope the future treats her well.

Making a sex tape is a looney idea!

I’m baffled as to why anyone would want to make a sex tape! I mean, okay, Paris Hilton did win an award for her one; but given the amount of so-called conveniently ‘leaked’ celebrity adult movies doing the mainstream media rounds, with Coronation Street actor Shayne Ward’s being the latest one to come under the spotlight, I have to ask, who in their right mind wants to see their own sex face? Not me! However, it was writer Fiona Looney’s calm, ‘I’ve made a sex tape – most people have if they’re honest’ revelation last week on TV3’s Midday – as if the act of making a homemade porno was as ordinary as deciding whether to order a pizza or a curry of a Saturday night – that really floored me. First of all because, er no Fiona, not everyone has starred in the ultimate selfie; I haven’t for one, and two, given the voracity with which revenge porn is now spreading across the world, those who do engage in this kind of, er, narcissistic foreplay, will be, in my view, rendered extremely vulnerable.

  Now I know the lovely Ms. Looney has been happily married for two decades to husband Steve, meaning she’s in a loving relationship and most likely very secure in the knowledge she’ll never have to bear the brunt of someone releasing her most private moments into the spotlight. That said, having actually viewed an episode of her self-devised ‘Celebrity Bainisteoir’ TV series, I’m feeling secure in my own mind that, should Fiona’s sex tape ever accidentally enter the public domain, nothing the writer could create could possibly be deemed to be any more embarrassing or unimaginative than that show.

Shout out to the lads!

I’d like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to two lovely gentlemen whom I met during the course of walking my dogs last week. They’re called Gerry and Martin from Tulsk!

I believe a good job must always be recognised and these two friendly gents, who’re regular readers of this paper, were doing sterling work building a dry stone wall. If there’s one design element having a major moment lately, it has to be those beautiful traditional dry stone walls. I can’t pretend to understand how they’re constructed, but the process certainly looks like a daunting project that’s truly not for the faint-hearted.

  However, the combined efforts of the inventive duo that is Gerry and Martin, along with their skills and dedication, made the whole operation look very easy. It was a pleasure to pass the time of day with you lads. I look forward to meeting you both again.