Make Creggs great again!





The coming bank holiday weekend will see election fever grip the village of Creggs as candidates battle it out for the title of President.

  ‘Vote Early and Vote Often’ is the aim of this particular poll, with voters asked to choose from a range of six varied candidates. Each has their own unique manifesto, which will be fully outlined in The Great Debate on Saturday night.

  One favourite for the race must be Donald Whitehouse with his aim to ‘Make Creggs Great Again’. Such a catch-all slogan will hardly catch on, but he has a range of other slogans ready, including ‘Build that Wall’. At the time of going to press it was unclear exactly where he plans to build the wall, whether it will aim to keep people out or, more likely, keep people in the village, especially over the weekend, but he has assured us that the wall will be built and will be funded and when he is elected he will be in a position to sit on the wall, or the fence, as the case may be, when necessary.

  Sheik Abdul Al Fullabull is a mysterious candidate, but his rumoured vast wealth could have a bearing on the weekend’s poll. He has arrived in the village in recent days complete with a vast array of bodyguards and flocks of well-wishers. It is believed that he may have a background in the mining or fracking business and he appears to have an interest in re-starting mining operations abandoned on Mount Mary about two hundred years ago. He is also reputed to be a long-term friend of Donald and the two could work well together.

  Miriam O’See proposes to be ‘A Great President, Genuinely’. After repeatedly stating that she had no interest in running for the Presidency, the red-jacketed TV presenter has changed her mind, stating that she was approached by thousands of women in Creggs asking her to put her name forward. ‘Yes, we can, Genuinely,’ is something that she is saying regularly on the doorsteps and her campaign appears to have gained momentum in recent weeks, genuinely.

  If you’re looking for a clean candidate, then Mrs. Brown aims to take out her duster to work and ‘Clean up Your Áras’. She is running a very energetic campaign, which has a vast array of colourful characters. Already, she has caused quite a stir among the candidates, pledging that this will be a clean campaign, with a preference for Vim, Omo and Sunlight Soap. ‘She’d make a Brillo President’, gushed one supporter. Between them, this powerful duo of women could see Creggs elect its first ever female President.

  All eyes will be on the favourite, Shameless D Higgins, who, armed with volumes of poetry and a slogan ‘Make Shameless Famous’, will no doubt overwhelm those present at the debate and ensure that lots of votes are cast his way in what will be a secret-ish ballot. The Poetic Prince has vast experience in the political field and should never be underestimated. He will be expected to field questions about campaign costs and dog grooming bills, bewildering listeners by waxing lyrical in poetic form about why voters should ‘Make Shameless Famous’.

  Many voters will opt to follow Ger Yung Un, due in no small part to his promise to ‘Put A Rocket under Creggs’. Another mysterious candidate, Ger Yung Un has arrived in the village complete with a military cavalcade. Rumours abound that he has a number of body doubles who may be seen over the weekend. Many feel that his slogan will entice first-time voters to cast their ballot in his direction and Ger and his Yung Uns will be a force to be reckoned with over the weekend. It is anticipated that his campaign will be ordered with military precision and should he be elected, no dissenting voices are expected. He promises that if elected Creggs will become a state where everybody will be happy all of the time.

  The Great Debate will be held in O’Roarke’s on Saturday night, where candidates will face tough questions on their manifesto and how they would transform the village in the event of their election. A final election Rally takes place on Sunday night, which promises to be a fun and colour-filled event. Polls close on Monday, followed by a count, and it is expected that the new President will be inaugurated by 5 pm, where their first official function will be to join in the music, singing and dancing in O’Roarke’s.

  Polling cards cost €2 and votes can be cast throughout the weekend. All proceeds from the fun election event will go towards Creggs Harvest Festival, which is now in its 38th year. Remember to vote early and often!