It’s raining sceptics down in Da Kingdom!

Quote of the week came from that eminent Kerry climatologist, historian, newly-elected TD and, what is clearly a God-fearing citizen, Danny Healy Rae when he single-handedly debunked all those myths about global warming, breaching of the ozone layer and melting of the polar caps, telling us that “God above is in charge of the weather and we here can’t do anything about it.”

  But who controls you Danny, that’s what I’d like to know pet?

  Seriously folks, every village has one; a misguided nincompoop I mean, and, I’m afraid, given last week’s masterclass in absurdity, the poor aul cratur that is Dan the Man appears to be Kilgarvan’s. However, like any good expert, Danny Boy did go on to corroborate his statement, far-fetched though it may be, by citing a period during the 19th century when, apparently, “the sun didn’t shine at all.” And as we all know, fado, fado, there was ne’er sight nor sound of a combustion engine back in those days, adding, (in Danny’s opinion), even further weight to his theory.

  Ah sure you’ve got to hand it to him; he’s living proof of what can go wrong when you’re elected into public office, given a soapbox and then tragically,  someone goes and withholds your mid-life crisis meds!

  But hey, why are we surprised? I mean, this is the same gentleman who actually put forward a motion that Gardaí should issue permits to people in the most isolated parts of Ireland allowing them to drive after consuming alcohol….and yet, the good people of Kerry still elected him!

  However, I will say that Deputy Dan does have a point regarding his argument surrounding the fact we all pay carbon taxes on our cars and he is quite within his rights to make the pertinent statement that “we have no real account where it is being spent or how it is being spent”.

  Mind you, his conclusion that he believes “honestly and earnestly that climate change has been happening back in the ages before we were ever industrialised” leads me to wonder if perhaps this belief is born out of the fact that he also suspects that God himself set him up with a lucrative plant hire firm, complete with a load of diggers to make a trench and protect him and his fellow scientific sceptics from the floods that will surely engulf the non-believers down in The Kingdom! 

 I’d say new Minister for Communications, Climate Change and Natural Resources Denis Naughten, will have to display a calm but concise authority every time he comes into contact with Deputy Dan in the Dáil bar!

  In the meantime, where did I put the aul Child of Prague statue?

Why us Linda…Why us?

Two iconic octogenarians were in the headlines last week, including our own Linda Martin…wha? She’s not 80? Really? Only 69? Oookaaay! Well, either way, Linda’s looking fab but doesn’t it seem like she’s been around forever? And for anyone experiencing a wistful, sentimental yearning for those shoulder pad days of yore, Linda, in full-on, cheesy, cruise ship entertainer mode, flanked by gyrating male dancers, and, providing a disco glow stick for everyone in the audience, performed an up-tempo re-mix of her 1992 Eurovision winning power ballad Why Me on the Late Late. Ya gotta hand it to the pensioner, she’s a trier. 

  Then we had glamourpuss and self-appointed pothole awareness fairy godmother Joan Collins doing her bit to bring important issues to the fore. In true Alexis Carrington style, Dame Joanie posted a series of bizarre pictures of her shapely legs, adorned in fabulous designer shoes, whilst standing beside a large water filled pothole outside her mansion, and, tweeting them to her local council offices at Westminster; the actress made a strong complaint. 

  Well readers, as our own roads are a metaphor for an obstacle course I suggest the ladies of Roscommon take similar action, but I’d give it a whack in a pair of wellies girls and eschew the stilettos, because remember, if ya fall and trip, a good orthopaedic surgeon doesn’t come cheap; and, besides, while I hate to pick, pick, pick at Inda – Roscommon still has no emergency department!!!

You’re ‘old new’, Helen!

Chat show contributor, Celebrity Big Brother winner, cosmetic surgery lover, and, ahem, the escort formerly known as ‘Wayne Rooney’s hooker’, Helen Wood, is certainly forging a questionable high profile career for herself these days. 

  Wood, who claims to have bumped uglies with the as-of-yet-unnamed-A-list-actor in the UK meeja – however, same A lister has been outed in the US meeja (stay with me here, I’ll get to the point) – says that the man ‘made a mistake’ when he cheated on his family and ‘doesn’t deserve’ to be outed.

  Well, stop talking about it then! Sympathy is giving a cash-strapped punter a discount…revenge is doing the talk show circuit, revealing to the whole world that you used adult toys on him! For God’s sake, there’s an innocent wife and kids listening to your tripe!

  Look, whether or not I have sympathy for the alleged cheating actor, (I don’t), I have to say I do have a tiny bit of sympathy for a talentless woman whose entire life’s earnings appear to be built on talking about, and cashing in on, celebrities who paid her for illicit sex – and seriously Helen, is that something you really want to include on your CV?