How to lose friends and alienate people!


As Donald Trump made his much-anticipated maiden speech to the United Nations General Assembly last week, he belligerently threatened North Korea, (and its 25 million people) with total obliteration, telling a shocked world: “We will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea” if, ‘Rocket Man’ (his phrase du jour for diminutive despot Kim Jong Un) doesn’t back down and curb his country’s nuclear and missile programmes.

  Now I don’t know about you folks, but Trump’s stupidity makes me nervous and watching him on the news issuing these incendiary threats left me wondering if, at any moment, he was suddenly going to produce a piece of paper with the nuclear codes written on it out of his breast pocket and start waving it about!

  I also wondered if perhaps somehow, (under that straw thatch he calls hair), while he was sleeping, someone had secretly hooked Trump’s brain up to a bad-ass piece of technology, making him think that life was actually a simulated video game playing out alternate realities? I mean, what other explanation could there possibly be for his menacing behaviour? To be honest readers, having heard the so-called leader of the free world breathtakingly bellow and rant in this irresponsible manner on such a public and international platform (and in the presence of the UN general assembly), threatening to destroy an entire nation, I no longer believe the greatest threat to our planet is climate change, rather it is this bloody clown sporting what looks like a wild Troll doll from the 90’s gone rogue on his head!

  But it didn’t end there…oh no, in a very personal retort, the Fresh Prince of Pyongyang hurled a fiery salvo of heated remarks in much the same way as an impertinent six-year-old would retaliate in a playground stand-off, by calling Trump a “mentally deranged U.S. dotard”, saying he’d “denied the existence of and insulted me and my country in front of the eyes of the world.” Now in North Korea, the leader is literally regarded as some sort of God-like figure, so it’s really surprising and totally out of kilter for the little leprechaun to engage in such a public manner with Trump, an individual he may possibly view as being a mere mortal.

  Wow… given the threatening ferocity of both the ‘dotard’ and the ‘leprechaun’s’ knee-jerk reactions, it’s clear, people of the world, that we now have a major problem! What we need is for someone – anyone – to step in, and de-escalate this immature hair-pulling before an increasingly intolerable situation escalates into all-out war!

Leo’s a man of the people

The eagerly-awaited Funderland for Farmers, sorry, the National Ploughing Championships, took place last week amid a great fanfare of publicity; and, man of the people…well, those of us who ‘rise early of a morning’, An Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, made a guest appearance. Yes folks, perfectly put together Gok Wan style, Leo, in wellies and windcheater jacket, tried hard to emulate his ‘down with da kids,’ common touch, and gave an Oscar-winning performance as a leading man trying to appear interested in all things agriculture. 

  I wonder, did Leo remember to have BFF Justin Trudeau’s novelty socks tucked snugly into those wellies or was he far too occupied with his cunning plans to streamline his new spin-shop, sorry strategic communications unit. Who knows?

Time to change the channel?

According to RTÉ, paying a salary of €400,000 a year to Ray D’Arcy represents ‘good value for money,’ and, as The Ray D’Arcy Show, right, returned for a third outing last Saturday, I have to say the so-called ‘tweaked’ format, (probably solidified as a guaranteed audience winner by some suit at Montrose) was as boring as ever. As viewers, I suspect we are being visually and cerebrally abused with a recurring recipe of  continuous cr*p from RTÉ TV shows, going from what was once a trickle, to what is now a gushing torrent, as the station’s head honchos serve us a banal menu of stale, run-of-the-mill,
old-hat formulas.

  RTÉ has spent way too many years rewarding loyal viewers with episode after episode of some of the worst, groan-worthy chat shows fronted by irksome presenters who appear to have a talent for not trying too hard, during what is seen as pivotal peak-time broadcasting, i.e. the weekend.

  Surely this schedule of two wishy-washy chat-in-a-chair shows one night after the other doesn’t accurately reflect what the viewing public want to watch? Then again, maybe if we watch it on pause, with the sound (and the lights) turned down, having consumed a glass of vino, RTÉ’s Late Late Show and The Ray D’Arcy Show could actually prove to be bearable?

  Nah… personally, unless Montrose supplies me with a heady mix of drama and  pulpy escapist fantasy as a winter line-up, fronted by a great presenter, I’m making a vow to quit; never to again return!