Christmas in August! Have we gone crackers?

Altogether now…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…but it’s still August and I’m terrified my life is going by too quickly with the year parcelled out in events that seem to come at us at a supersonic rate each year. I mean, wasn’t it only last month that I was buying Easter eggs?

  Now while I’m all over the festive season and full of tidings of comfort and joy and all that, like most right-thinking people I was taken aback when high end luxury retailer Brown Thomas launched its Christmas Market last week with a selection of ‘dedicated’ areas in their Dublin, Cork and Limerick stores being given the whole National Lampoon Christmas Vacation fluorescent explosion vibe!

  And, if a fanfare of colourful, visually stunning traditional toy soldiers, white and rose gold-trimmed trees, glittering angels and Santa snow globes all proudly displayed on the third floor of their iconic store on Dublin’s Grafton Street is your thang…and I personally love Christmas, then I have to say you’ll be in heaven.

  Now, I will confess, despite the fact myself and my youngest daughter, dishevelled and all buoyed up from our fabulous girlie day out commencing with a 1916 Freedom Tour around the city, where I managed to pose with an original Mauser rifle (very heavy); had vowed to boycott any shop selling Christmas baubles in August; over a glass of Prosecco we concluded it would be rude not to have just a sneaky peak at downtown Dublin’s most renowned display.

  And so, looking like an unlikely ‘hooker with a heart of gold’ type; ya know, the Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman where she enters the posh store dressed in what appears to be rejects from Fair City’s wardrobe department; I smiled at the doorman and sashayed through! Did I mention I was panda eyed from cheap mascara and my summer clobber was dripping wet from the torrential downpour, and clutching Penney’s bags full of ‘end of season sale’ t-shirts for €2 because I’m  still desperately clinging to hopes of an Indian summer? Yep, I was a sight to behold. However, I soon realised, watching the bustling crowds, all dapper in their well-cut outfits as they signed up for the obligatory six-month waiting list for a Hermés handbag costing more than I earn in a year, it was blatantly clear that the dark days of retailing have never visited this store because it was doing a brisk trade.

  And so, loudly ragging on about how “this is ridiculous, it’s way too early, sure the kids haven’t returned to school,” myself and my daughter realised our prostrations were just a front and we found ourselves loudly “oohing” and “aaahing,” both agreeing I absolutely just had to have a unique little memento from BTs’ bespoke collection; aka a scented candle from their Winter Palace themed Chrimbo shop. For those interested, other themed collections are Venetian Chic, the Nutcracker Suite and Yule Tide. At this stage I’d like to confess to hubby that now would be a good time to begin his diet because I’ve just blown the entire food budget! 

  You see, weak-willed woman that I am, having made my luxury purchase, wet clothes clinging to my body, I allowed myself to be cajoled into partaking of an Americano and a mouth-watering macaroon – okay six macaroons – in Ladurée…located on the corner of  BTs. And no, I have absolutely no shame, nor will I have electricity bill money if I keep being so frivolous!

And so, while most things in this country of ours arrive late – even the bus couldn’t make it on time; and while Christmas may be the most wonderful time of the year…for some, the fact is, as this is only 25th August, the big day is a full four months away and families, who are struggling to dress their kids for the new school year, need a bloody break.

  On the other hand folks; (because I like to promote balance), according to research carried out by the Royal Statistical Society, it seems that as summer has taken a hike, Irish people are now thinking of gold-gilded balls and searching the internet for words like ‘presents,’ ‘elf’ and ‘Santa,’ leading me to ask…have we all gone feckin’ crackers?

Nude, rude and crude – I’m tuning in next week!

Has anyone – and I’m referring to those singletons who just cannot seem to nab a daycent aul shkin for a boyfriend/girlfriend – tuned into Channel 4’s new dating show Naked Attraction yet? For the uninitiated, Naked Attraction is a rude, crude show where contestants stand full frontal naked, all their wibbly wobblies out on display, (warts and all) inside tube-shaped coloured pods like some modern-day Terminators without even the benefit of having a bit of pixilation across their dangly bits. 

  Now folks, the rationale for this bare-assed, scrotum-scrutinising, boob-ogling fest is that apparently clothing can get in the way of finding the perfect mate!  

  However, for a girl who’s crazy about a man in a smart suit, I have to say I find perusing people as if they were pieces of art hung from a gallery wall is downright cringy and seriously icky. But hey, for the sake of research, I’ll be sure to tune in next week so I can rant again about how creepy this dating show really is. I mean, when will I get to see six penises in a row again? The next General Election perhaps?

We’re all entitled to be treated equally, Danny!

According to an article in The Times, Independent TD Danny Healy-Rae (possibly the equivalent of a dedicated pulpit pounder down in da Kingdom), has proved he’s just entered the domain of the farcical by revealing in a Hot Press interview that he feels same-sex couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise kids for fear they’ll fail to provide a “natural balance.” Oh dear, insert coin, brain over Danny love.

  Now Dan the Man is not
“anti-gay” and he’s at pains to point that out; so, for the sake of balance I’ll be sure to spread his kind message of tolerance and acceptance to the readers. We’re living in a democracy after all.

  However, with that same democracy in mind, I’d like to say that as Danny is entitled to his opinions, so are the rest of us…gay people who wish to raise kids especially as this latest snipe was aimed towards you; and I for one feel that perhaps Mr. Healy-Rae could consider taking his archaic way of thinking, wrap it up in that toxic cloak of silliness he sometimes wears and try and be a touch more inclusive.

  I’m sure Danny is a big sweetheart, but he’s yet to grasp the fact that all Irish citizens are entitled to be treated equally! Bless him.