‘I get that you rang the president…but the president of WHAT?’
You did WHAT?
I rang the President!
The President of what?
I needed to know that indoor hospitality is finally coming back!
Basically you want an indoor pint?
Eh…yeah, that’s it!
So you rang the vintners’ president…who has the chain now?
No, not the vintners’ president…
Oh you’re brazen! Don’t tell me you have a hotline to the restaurant owners’ association president, now I hope…
I rang THE President!
The President of WHAT?
The President of the country!
Michael D! I rang Michael D!
(They pause to check their phones for any updates on precisely when indoor hospitality will resume)
You’re just being silly, let’s talk about something else…
Have it your way!
What a weekend of sport!
Great hurling, great football, great golf!
Don’t forget the Lions…
Yeah, the first test is this Saturday!
They had a right test a week or so ago…they lost!
Yeah, but the real action starts on Saturday! Come on the Lions!
So…eh…any other news?
Enjoying the amazing weather?
Eh…do anything unusual?
Matter of opinion…
Oh come on, tell me! DID YOU REALLY RING THE PRESIDENT?
(They pause to apply sunscreen, rub sweat off their respective foreheads, say ‘whew’ and swat wasps and flies away)
I take it you got a secretary, and no further!
At the Áras?
So, okay, I rang the Áras and explained my business.
That I needed to speak to President Higgins…to urge him to sign the legislation passed by the Dáil and Seanad.
The Bill that will bring forward the return of indoor dining?
They hung up?
On the contrary, they put me on hold!
They did not!
They did, after I’d rang for the 9th time!
Oh I got talking to him eventually, lovely man!
I don’t believe it!
Well, I’d said the magic words…
I told his secretary that I’m a poetry-loving culture vulture with an eloquent speaking voice and a fondness for Galway United FC…
Michael D was on the line in a flash!
Did he say much?
Well, he recited several poems, he was very charming!
No, did he say much about this Bill we need him to sign into law?
Oh we only spoke briefly about that in the end. I said I was speaking for the ordinary man and woman and that some of us are desperate to get back indoors for a drink!
Well, President Higgins was beyond reproach, he very gently explained that he could not discuss the Bill out of respect for the Constitution.
I said we needed to discuss the Bill out of respect for MY constitution.
Anyways, with all this glorious sunshine, we’ll be grand for the next few days…an outdoor pint on Saturday?
Why not Saturday?
Well, I’m actually going to a small outdoor party, actually it’s a garden party…
Oh! Very posh! Didn’t think that was your style?
Well it’s not every day that the President of Ireland invites me to the Áras!