Barstool Boyos – 20th of January

SPARE me a moment…I need to tell you about my new book, a Royal thriller!

You know I have creative writing skills…you’ve said it before!

Maybe…but this idea is daft!

Look, it’s a new year, a time for new hobbies, new projects! This could even be…cathartic!

I think you mean…catastrophic!


(Editor roots around filing cabinet for the minutes of his first meeting with the boyos, desperately trying to work out why he ever hired them)


Please hear me out!

Help you out, more like it!

We’ll have two more pints…then I can fully explain the concept!

The pub bore is still outside having a smoke…he was on about the mating routine of giraffes earlier, I think I’d prefer to get back to that conversation!

Look, my idea for a book may be a pipedream, but there’s a market for fantasy-fact-fiction…

Maybe, but not all in the one book!


(They pause to observe the pub bore, now making giraffe impressions to two strangers on his return from the smoking area)


I just feel I can write a book, inspired by Prince Harry’s! It will be part-fact, part-fiction. Basically my life story…embellished by some exaggeration and fantasy…

Yeah, just like you live your life…so it will actually be true!


(Further down the bar, the pub bore is spacing out a row of bar stools to indicate to the strangers how long a giraffe’s neck is)


So, here’s the plot…

I didn’t ask!

It’s loosely based on my life so far….


…but one day I’m suddenly kidnapped by members of the Royal family’s security team…


For intelligence purposes…


…and I’m being held prisoner in a lavish suite in Buckingham Palace!

Can I check that this is definitely just your second pint?

Look, I’m taking all sorts of artistic license, I don’t deny it!

Is that the entire plot?

No! It gets better! One night, there’s a break-in at the palace. The guard is overpowered. I hear a rustling of keys. I’m terrified. The door opens. It’s…

Rebekah Vardy?


Oh forget it…

No, it’s…PRINCE HARRY! He’s broken into the palace because he wants to recover some secret documents, and to place some bugging devices around! So, in part two of the book, Harry and I strike up an unlikely friendship…and we plan a coup!

Our drinks have arrived! Your book idea is madness! Let’s switch the subject!

You don’t understand! It’s a farce!

Yes, it is a farce! It’s like what the pub bore is subjecting that poor couple to with his ramblings on giraffes…only worse!


A very tall story!