Barstool Boyos – 15th of April

‘Watt’ a fiasco! Why it’s finally time we combined for a political run!

That’s it! The decision’s made!

Huh?

I’m going for it! I’m going to run! Will you join me?

YES! Absolutely! Finally…something we can agree on! Have you a route worked out?

Huh?

Mote Park? Down by the castle? The roundabouts?

WHAT?

This running you’re going to start…I’m all for it! We both need to be more fitness-aware! Let’s do it!

WHAT?

You said you’re going to run – and that you want me to join you! Everybody’s doing it! Or cycling!

NO! I’m going to run for POLITICAL OFFICE!

Oh not that old chestnut again!

Yes…and this time I’m serious!

Why? What’s pushed you over the edge? Has there been an increase in politicians’ expenses? More perks? Is the Editor starting a ‘Politician of the Week’ award? TELL ME!

Oh don’t be so…I dunno…superficial! Politics is about service…and I want to serve!

(They pause to let 15 runners and 10 cyclists and two men and three dogs pass)

So…will you join me?

Why the sudden renewal in interest?

It’s just…EVERYTHING! There’s so much that’s wrong! Rising prices! A housing crisis! That mess over whether or not Tony Holohan takes up a new position at Trinity College!

Not sure that saga was of Tony’s making…

No, that’s my point! I don’t think it was handled well by the politicians, or their advisers! Incidentally, I find it hard to have faith in any politician who still pronounces his name as ‘Tony Hool-a-han’ when it’s actually more like Whole-a-han!

Good point! Anyways, what went wrong with Tony and the move to Trinity?

Oh just the usual…bit of secrecy, lack of communication, too many people involved, all just a mess!

Mmnn…what about Watt?

What?

No, Watt!

What?

No, Watt!

Eh…WHAT?

(Editor reaches for Joe Brolly’s number, scratches forehead, rolls eyes)

SO, WHAT?

NO! WATT! Robert WATT, that extremely highly paid public servant…didn’t he sign off on Tony’s move to Trinity?

Oh yeah, apparently! But look, I’m sure it all made sense on certain levels, it was just badly handled! Which is why I feel the time has come for me to enter politics!

You think you can make a difference?

I KNOW I can!

You think there are too many layers, excessive bureaucracy, too many advisers, conflicts of interest, an over-dependence on reports…

Exactly! You obviously recall our previous discussions!

And you want me to be your Director of Elections, your sole adviser, your confidante! Mmnn…maybe…

Yes! Well, you and my ‘kitchen cabinet’…

WATT? I mean WHAT?

Obviously I’d need a team of trusted advisers…and a working committee, and a liaison officer, and a media team, and a PA, and some speech writers…

Would you like me to chauffeur you?

Thank you, that’s very generous!

I was being sarcastic! Anyways, what’s your undoubtedly exhilarating campaign slogan?

Easy! SOS! Streamline our system!

STREAMLINE????

Yes, I’m all about streamlining! We need to cut out all the middlemen and middlewomen…all of my advisers agree!
WATT?!