Barstool Boyos – 1 October

That was exhausting! It’s meant to be RELAXING!

It’s okay, my friend! Our first visit to the pub in well over six months was always likely to be different! It will take time…to settle back in!

Wet pubs? I’m sweating with the pressure!

It wasn’t THAT bad!

Not THAT bad! It was #hard work!

Did you just say hashtag?


Are you going to start putting that into everyday conversation?



(They pause, because pausing during these exchanges is something they do every week)

The Pub Bore, he was shocking! It brought it all back! How tiresome he can be!

It was hard luck on us that we ran into him…but he’s okay!

Okay? I was there for half an hour before you arrived! I was stuck with The Pub Bore! What a comeback!

Did you keep a metre apart?

I wanted to be a pub apart! Yes, we socially distanced, but I got stuck with him for that half hour!

You were talking to him for the half hour?

I was LISTENING to him for the half hour!

How is he?


How did he find lockdown?

Oh, that’s the thing…he’s come up with all these daft ideas!

Go on…

He has time on his hands, he wasn’t able to go to the pub for six months, he’s had time to think!


First invention he’s proposed: ABBA.

ABBA? The Swedish superstars? I don’t understand…

‘A Banana Bread alert’! Says he’s invented an alarm that goes off in the adjoining room once someone in the kitchen’s at an advanced stage of baking banana bread!

Anything else?


Dad? What about Dad?

‘Dial a drink’. The Pub Bore gets that pizzas and takeaways and dinners being delivered is now established, now he’s thinking of creating a ‘Dial a drink’ service. You order a pint from your living room, and it’s delivered to your door!

He’s joking?

Dunno, I think he believes everything he says.

Anything else?


Sounds interesting!

No, it’s crazy!

Go on…
Well, he said that people have been having strange dreams during lockdown…

Yeah, he’s not wrong…and his solution is?

Well, for men who are into football – or women – he says they need to have a TV in their room.

Go on…

They need to go to sleep with the remote control in their hand.


He reckons he can programme the remote…

Go on…

…so that when you wake up from a bad dream, your finger activates the remote to switch the TV on to a classic football match. That way, you aren’t affected or traumatised by the dream…you’re straight into dream football!

 (They pause to daydream about dream football)

Still, it’s good to be back. It was nice, the two of us meeting up in the local again.

It was brilliant! Different, but brilliant! We’ll meet up again, later this week. In the meantime, are you up to much?

Nah, have a few days off…

Excellent! How will you pass the time?

Oh, I’m working on my own invention…BMW.

BMW? Didn’t know you were into cars?

Nah…it’s a BORING MAN WARNING! I’m going to get a pendant for you and me…no matter where we are in the world, an alarm will go off when The Pub Bore enters our local!