It’s here, it’s finally here. No more Britain Searches for Talent or Sob Story Factor, this weekend will see the start of a month-long football tournament with more drama and better acting than Coronation Street. Euro 2016 beamed daily from France right into your living room, unless you’re one of the lucky ones who’s actually going!
Either way, this is the perfect Euro guide for you. Never mind boring wall-charts taking up space in your home, we’re going to tell you exactly what to expect as Roy Keane struggles to sit still at the pre-tournament training camp.
Without further adieu, here are the top five things to look out for this month:
1 The opening ceremony to end all opening ceremonies
Let’s face it; the Paris terrorist attacks are still fresh in French and European memories. The opening ceremony is an opportunity for the French to respond with pomp and ceremony. The French are a proud, multi-cultural people and they will not let us down.
2 Gratuitous shots of beautiful women in the crowd
Whenever there’s a throw-in, corner, streaker, or any other break in play, expect the TV director to instruct his camera operators to focus in on attractions off the field. When Ireland play, expect to see leprechaun hats, men in green leotards and hilarious topical flags like the Angela Merkel one in Poland.
3 The three stages of the three lions
England’s campaign will go something like this: Firstly England fans start the tournament quite negatively but secretly wonder “What if?” Secondly, England qualify from their group and the optimism grows. Finally, a superior team beats England on penalties after (insert United player) is sent off and England fans burn effigies of (insert United player). My money is on Chris Smalling.
4 Ireland fans will outperform their team
Irish fans serenade French policewomen, road sweeper drivers and their own team as they trail Belgium 3-0.
5 A Premier League club will get carried away
Liverpool FC put in bids for the entire Romanian team after they shock hosts France in the opening game. Much like that time they bought most of Senegal, Liverpool will put in outrageous bids following one freak result.
There you have it, who needs camper van insurance and a French phrasebook when you’ve got the Roscommon People’s definitive guide to the Euros!